I was that girl. THAT girl. You know the one I'm talking about. The stereotypical church girl. The "good" girl. The "nice" one. The "perfect" one. Never been kissed, never had a sip of alcohol, never partied. The girl your parents wanted you to be friends with during the teen years. The "good influence". The "church-every-Sunday" girl. I knew what to say and when to say it. I hid my problems oh-so-well. I put on the "nothing-can-hurt-this-strong-girl" mask. I played the game, acted the part. I BECAME the part. Somewhere along the way, I lost myself. I found my identity in my part. I prided myself on being such a good person. Deep down though? I was incredibly insecure. I did the right things for the wrong reasons.
But I'm not who I was. Thank you, Jesus, that I'm not. That I'm not the walking cliche, the illusion, the "holier-than-thou" churchie.
I did things out of pressure and obligation, not out of obedience to God. Not because I wanted to please God, but because I wanted to impress people. I was a servant of two masters. I tried to make my will in to God's. I put my will above God's will. I was selfish. A hypocrite. I was trying to submit part of my heart to God, and keep most of it wild and wandering. I tried to tell myself it was enough. That I was enough. It left me empty inside and exhausted.
But I'm not who I was. Thanks to Jesus, the lover of my soul, the changer of my life, My Redeemer, My Saving Grace. He met me at my darkest place with open arms and abounding love. I am a living testament, His grace truly is amazing. <3
So Noelle, I have two thoughts. The first is to laugh because I am one of the moms who absolutely wanted my sons to be your friends. The second is to be grateful that I know you a bit and get to see God working in your heart. In His timing He's teaching you how to open up more and more of yourself to Him.
ReplyDeleteThank you!! I am so blessed to be friends with your son! God is certainly good!
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